Countdown to 30...

What stays and what goes?

Earlier today, while on the phone with my father, he asked my sister and me what we wanted to do for our birthday. A little less than two months away, and we will be thirty–how wild! Wild, not in the sense that it came so fast, because it didn’t, but more so in the sense of how much time has gone by—thirty years of existence, years of lessons, mistakes, changes, and milestones. Birthdays celebrating a decade always seem to hit especially hard; they mean a little bit more than the others. Having always been especially reflective, and almost always crying on my birthday, not out of sadness typically, but more so gratitude. Turning 30 is something I cannot even fathom being here. I remember turning 21 just the other day. I don’t like to subscribe to the notion that life goes by quickly because I don't believe it does; on the contrary, I think life is quite long, even longer for those who are blessed to see their 80s and 90s. Life goes by pretty slowly, it just seems quick when you’re reflecting on the past five to ten years in one sitting, like me. Many lessons have been learned, friends have come and gone, new jobs and degrees have been acquired, friends have had babies, and so much more has happened. There is a lot to be proud of, even the bittersweet and heartbreaking.

Doing my best not to fall into the nonsensical trap of believing I am not where I want to be at almost 30 years old. I am exactly where I am supposed to be during this phase of my life. Just the other day, I was telling my mother a story about the ending of a friendship of mine, and she reminded me that I was better off and had a lot going for me. She is right. To this day, I don’t quite understand why we put such pressure on ourselves. This pressure to perform. Constantly pushing for the next best thing, forgetting what we have already accomplished, and the people in our corner. I remind myself constantly that everything else will fall into place when it happens, and I am exactly where I am right now, and it isn’t due to a lack of trying either. It is easy to think one is not doing enough, be it hobbies or creatively, or not making enough money, not meeting enough people or networking, and I am simply exhausted by this way of thinking. Thinking these are the only things I should be proud of. In reality, I am proud of the family and friends I have, the way I treat and care about people, my efforts in the way I communicate, and the effort I put in therapy to better myself, not just for me but so I can show up for others as well. I am proud of the things I have experienced and the people I have met along the way. I am proud of knowing when to walk away from a situation or a person. My ability to speak up for myself in all relationships and the workplace. I am proud every time I finish a book. There is plenty to be proud of that goes beyond what I can do for society, and in the rat race. We are more than our eight to fours and nine to fives. We are more than our salaries. Sure, for my education level and work experience, would I like to be making more money? Absolutely. Does my job drain me? At times, yes. However, I do not let these things define me. No one at the end of the day will remember how much I made, but they will remember how I made them feel and the memories we shared. And so I am proud of myself, and doing my best to not allow this insipid way of thinking to consume me.

Birthday plans are not something that I am typically proactive about. I usually just stick to the tradition of an ice cream cake and blow out the candles with my sister. As the years have gone by, we haven’t celebrated a birthday together in some time. She has her plans, and I come up with my own as well. Usually going to a bar with a few folks and calling it a night, which I am perfectly content with. Grateful for those who even show up to spend the evening celebrating me. Most of my birthdays were spent in Puerto Rico with my mother sending us off for the summer, so she could get a break and work without distraction and additional stress. I am grateful she did this, as I wouldn’t be able to have the connection to Puerto Rico that I do have. I may or may not go to Puerto Rico this summer, and if I do, I have to buy the ticket as soon as possible. I'd also like to have my driver's license by my 30th. I've also thought about making my cake and decorating it with cherries and disco balls. Lots to think about surrounding this new decade, but also not going to stress myself out. A birthday picnic sounds cute, too! I think I am past the age of wanting to get lost in birthday shots. While the gesture is appreciated, my stomach would say otherwise. I don’t care for dinners with a party of more than five. The smaller and intimate things are what I gravitate towards now. Peaceful and at the pace of calm. Maybe one day, I’ll be in the position to host everyone in my very own home again, cook a wonderful dinner and play bartender, and have a signature cocktail with a tacky name. I thought about a solo trip to California because I have always wanted to go and see the Redwoods, or even a little cabin upstate for some quiet by a pool—summer baby perks!

As I enter my 30s, there is nothing I crave more than my peace. The hustle and bustle of New York used to entice me in my early adulthood, but now I find myself overstimulated. Longing to be near water or the mountains, camping, and stargazing. Lying in a field of grass or wildflowers overlooking the ocean during a sunset that moves me to tears. There is nothing worth more than my peace, surrounded by the outdoors. Simplicities of the rare quiet. On the other hand, I appreciate a great night out dancing with a DJ that’ll leave me googling samples and a cold gimlet, but anything past two in the morning, and I am crashing, wishing for my bed. If I could have the community and accessibility of New York City near a swimmable body of water, that’d be perfect.

Unsure of what I will do for my birthday, however, I know what I would like to take with me into my 30s and leave behind. Leaving behind people who are dishonest and care about their egos more than how they treat others, leaving behind my permit—hopefully, leaving behind defining myself based on my economic status, and diving head-on with love and grace in my heart for those around me who care for me. Doing my best not to give power to situations and people that only serve themselves. I am grounded and reminded of the community that loves me, and opening my heart to those who want the same. I am proud of the woman that I am and will continue to be. Little Dina would be proud of big Dina.